Instead, this is Targeted Ads: Crystal Palace's "remarkably subtle piece of marketing" that pits Eberechi Eze against Michy Batshuayi in the Premier League's most hotly - and lengthily - contested competition.
Donning Palace Christmas hats and side-stepping the gifts strewn across their training pitch, two of the club's most camera-friendly players step-up with one thing at stake: pride. And a free '78 sash strip.
Their challenge? To hit various targets from a 20-yard free-kick - including the new Anthracite Range and even the pinnacle of Christmas decorations, a Palace bauble - first surpassing the retro shirt-clad wall and then striking a range of Club Shop treats to build the biggest points total.
"If I hit [the targets]," Eze tells his in-form Belgian teammate, "two weeks you clean my boots. Every day. Even days off."
He steps up to strike and Batshuayi wails in response.
Afterwards, following the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh instruction to stop, the two Eagles continue to compete.
But who wins? And has Michy been cleaning Ebs' boots lately? Find out below!
And to check out our range of Palace gifts in time for Christmas, browse the newly revamped Club Shop here!
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